My Third Fucking Polygraph!
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Boy, have we got a show for you tonight. I've been keeping pretty busy during my LJ absence these last couple months. First, to whet your appetite, a quick summary: Six nights of drinking, three polygraphs, two snowboarding trips, and a partridge in a pear tree.

My first time snowboarding was an incredible pain in the ass for me. And I mean that in the most literal sense. I probably spent most of the day on my ass.



My biggest blunder happened on the 5.5km trail. While trying to slow down, I snagged the front of my board and flew face-forward into the snow. The snow was not fluffy. When I hit, using my head as an axis, my body flipped over onto my back which forced my head up and whipped it back onto the ground. There was some ringing in the ears and a lot of pain. I was lying in the snow for probably a good 15 minutes. This prompted me to get a helmet for my second trip.



Yeah, I know I look cool. I did a lot better the second time around, though, and didn't really need the helmet. It was really warm, though. I like it.

So let me tell you about polygraphs. For those of you who have never taken a polygraph (I imagine this is most of you), understand this: it's not accurate--at all. I mean, it does what it was designed to do. It monitors how your body reacts to questions and the answers you give but it cannot tell if you're lying or not. Hence why I had to take three polygraphs in a matter of weeks.

The first and second polygraphs were about three hours each. Half of that time is the guy explaining how the equipment works and how the test is going to be conducted. My third polygraph was very last minute and lasted about an hour and a half. The guy calling me in and asking the questions thought I was good the first two times but the bigwigs at the NSA decided my reaction was not good enough to allow me a pass. Here's the problem with the equipment: you can't move. You have to sit still because almost any movement will register on the computer and they can't tell if it's a nervous reaction to the question or just a muscle spasm. I have a problem with sitting still. Apparently I also have a problem with pressure applied to my upper arm. One device used in a polygraph is a pulse monitor not unlike one you'd find at the doctor's office. It's wrapped around your upper arm and inflated with air. During my first group of questions, my arm started to go numb and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. My heart rate must have been up quite a bit. All my answers were invalidated.

Another thing that can affect results? Your thoughts. Anything too racy and, well, there goes the neighborhood. By my third polygraph, the NSA had narrowed the problems down to two questions: Have I ever engaged in espionage or sabotage against the United States? Have I ever committed acts of terrorism against the United States?

The latter I passed rather quickly. The former had to be broken into two questions and I passed the sabotage question effortlessly. And then there was one. You'd think if I had engaged in espionage I'd remember it. Apparently not. BUT WAIT! The guy had to change the word from espionage to spy. Have I ever spied against the United States? Apparently not. But espionage? Well, that's a different story! I told the guy that the word "espionage" reminded me of spy thrillers. "I wanted to ask you if you were thinking of any movies," he said, "but I didn't want to put the idea in your head." I guess the guy didn't realize the kind of active imagination he was dealing with. You have to try a little harder than that to come up with an idea that hasn't occurred to me. Thrillers and action flicks? How could I not be thinking of them. I was taking my third fucking polygraph!

Due to my inability to pass the questions the first time around, three additional questions concerning personal integrity had to be busted out as per NSA regulation. I forget two of them at the moment but by the end of my third test (the only test these questions were used on) I was apparently still reacting to the question "have you ever lied to a superior?" No, never! I didn't react strongly enough for it to be reported, though. Suckers. So, if any of you want more information on polygraphs, feel free to ask. I'll give you the lowdown just in case you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to take one. At least it wasn't a lifestyle polygraph. I hear those can get pretty personal.

In other news, my computer that I built back in AZ with Frank while home on leave arrived six weeks after being shipped. The top cover had broken loose but it was otherwise intact. It runs like a champ and is pretty cool (figuratively and literally) thanks to all the fans and ventilation. My computer is connected to my 40" Sony HDTV with the Sony surround sound system that I won at the command Christmas party. It's a pretty bitchin' set-up. There are many things to love about having a large TV hooked up to a computer but one thing I enjoy most right now is reading comics:



Don't worry, my screen isn't broken. It's just the flash from the camera. I've been using a new program for reading comics called ComicRack. It advertises itself as a kind of iTunes for comics and it delivers. Except iTunes sucks and this is very useful thanks to a complete lack of DRM. I didn't like the program on my laptop just because it used much more memory than the traditional, bare-bones CDisplay. ComicRack has superior zoom options and mouse and keyboard functionality, though. I can deal with CDisplay on my laptop but not so much on this TV. But I don't mean to bore you. My point is this: reading comics on this display is a great experience.

Since I've been back in Misawa I've attended a couple house parties and gone out in town to drink a few times. Nothing out the ordinary or particularly notable except for this last weekend. A guy in our department finished 60-days of restriction last week after being sent to captain's mast for drinking and driving down in Okinawa. He went to pick up cigarettes at the shoppette and drove out of the parking lot the wrong way. The base police caught him and found out he had been drinking. To commemorate this Grant's freedom we had a "coming out party." Two people from our shop made everyone shirts with goofy/ridiculous pictures of Grant. It was classic and Grant never saw it coming. "I've never been punk'd like this before," he said later that night.

On Saturday, a fellow IT in our shop hosted a "rock star party." The idea was for people to show up dressed like rock stars. I joked about going as Billy Idol and the news quickly circulated without the "joke" context. Not one to disappoint, I decided to see what I could scrounge up at the local mall. As logic would have you assume, there is not a big market for blond wigs in Japan and bleaching my hair while in the military was out of the question. So I resorted to buying the only "blond" wig I could find:



I figure that's what Billy Idol would look like if he were an anime character. Here are a couple more photos for your enjoyment:




I've been discovering some good music these last couple months, as well. I kind of lapsed for a while with trying new music. I just got lazy. I'm back to normal now, though, and my two favorites out of everyone I've listened to since I've been back are both Scottish artists. Frightened Rabbit and Amy Macdonald. I highly recommend Frightened Rabbit for any of you who have not heard them. I'm sure some of you are much more ahead of the curve than I but maybe someone can appreciate the recommendation. Seriously, FR is awesome. Listen to them.

Speaking of music, I saw this movie finally:



Whoever chose the soundtrack to that film should be shot. I mean, the movie was mediocre to begin with but a good soundtrack goes a long way. The music in this movie makes already awkward scenes worse. I get that Snyder was trying to stay true to the comic but the details left out stole much of the subtext away from the film and left many viewers confused. Everything Alan Moore puts in his work is put there for a reason. So if you haven't done so yet, go read the graphic novel.

OK, it's time I stop taking up space on your friend's page. I'd put this in an LJ cut but I want my pictures to catch peoples eyes if they try to scroll past my post. ;-) To avoid doing these massive updates and to write more often I'm going to try to do updates at least weekly. If a week passes with no word and you feel the urge to bug me about it, by all means, bug away. Thanks for stopping by, ladies and gents. Until next time...